


The Avengers Great British Bake Off

by lesyeuxverts



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Baking, Cake, Gen, Great British Bake Off - Freeform, Screenplay/Script Format, Thor Loves Pop-Tarts, Tony gets carried away as usual, don't tell Bruce how to melt chocolate, no soggy bottoms here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-25 11:57:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4959742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesyeuxverts/pseuds/lesyeuxverts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DARCY: Do you know what my favourite thing about summer is? </p>
<p>PEPPER: The weather? </p>
<p>DARCY: Don’t be ridiculous.</p>
<p>PEPPER: Adorable pictures of squirrels?</p>
<p>DARCY: (pauses to consider) Well, those, too. But I was mostly thinking about … The Great British Bake Off!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Avengers Great British Bake Off

**Author's Note:**

> Probably will not make a great deal of sense unless you've watched The Great British Bake Off!
> 
> The cast of characters:
> 
> Paul Hollywood: Fury  
> Mary Berry: Hill  
> Mel: Pepper  
> Sue: Darcy
> 
> The bakers:  
> Tony - the sort who does precise, incredible engineering  
> Bruce - a scientist who treats baking with the same precision and experimental approach  
> Thor - makes ginormous, regal confections  
> Natasha - deadly  
> Steve - known for his wholesome baking, as American as apple pie (or in this case, as British as a Victoria sponge)  
> Clint - sadly addicted to purple fondant, was close to Phil Coulson, who was sent home last week  
> Loki - sent home for baking something crazier than a bagful of cats

EPISODE SIX

After the opening credits, the camera begins with a shot of a typical British summer day. It is raining. The shot pans across the grey sky and zooms in on a large tree, focusing on raindrops falling from its leaves. 

PEPPER and DARCY are sitting beneath the tree and sharing a clear plastic umbrella. DARCY has an arm looped around PEPPER’S shoulders. Both are immaculately coiffed and wearing bright windbreakers. 

DARCY: Do you know what my favourite thing about summer is? 

PEPPER: The weather? 

DARCY: Don’t be ridiculous.

PEPPER: Adorable pictures of squirrels?

DARCY: (pauses to consider) Well, those, too. But I was mostly thinking about … The Great British Bake Off!

DARCY and PEPPER stand effortlessly and start running together toward a white tent that can be seen in the distance. 

\-----

The camera cuts to show the seven bakers walking in single file towards the tent. BRUCE is carrying a large green umbrella that hides most of his face. TONY’S umbrella is red and gold, and wired with a series of flashing LEDs that blink in a random pattern. LOKI is notably the only contestant without an umbrella - he turns his face up to the rain, then pushes back his wet hair with an impatient gesture. 

\-----

The camera cuts to the interior of the tent. NICK FURY and MARIA HILL are waiting at the front, while the rows of benches await the bakers. Through the transparent sides of the tent, it can be seen that it is still raining. 

NICK is wearing a long black leather coat and has his hands clasped behind him. MARIA is at his side, looking composed and stylish. Her coat has a bird of paradise pattern and she is wearing an ornate necklace. 

DARCY and PEPPER walk to the front of the tent and join them. DARCY closes her umbrella with an ostentatious twirl and brings it to rest at her feet with a soft thump. 

The bakers take their stations and put on their plain brown aprons. 

The camera cuts to several shots of the bakers at their stations, peering into their ovens, decorating their creations, etc. In a voiceover, PEPPER says: Welcome to the Great British Bake Off. Last week saw a number of triumphs and tragedies, ending in Tony being awarded the title of Star Baker and Phil Coulson being sent home. 

The camera lingers on a shot of PHIL being embraced by both DARCY and PEPPER after the final judgement was announced. CLINT is holding PHIL’S arm and the other bakers are clustered around him, looking sympathetic. 

PEPPER: This week, however, the bakers are facing a new challenge and some previously untested recipes. They will have to face a sweet signature bake, a fiendish technical challenge, and will need to produce a monumental showstopper … 

DARCY and PEPPER in unison: It’s cake week. 

They deliver the signature challenge instructions in short staccato bursts, taking turns speaking after each sentence - they inform the bakers that their challenge is to create their favourite classic British cake. 

DARCY: Ready...

PEPPER: Set... 

DARCY and PEPPER together: Bake!

The camera zooms in first to focus on TONY, whose bench is at the rear of the tent. He is already in a frenzy of activity, with ingredients strewn over his bench and a half a dozen lemons cut open on a chopping board. There is a smear of flour down one cheek.

TONY flourishes a drafting pencil and makes a notation as FURY and MARIA approach. 

TONY: A connection there, six more circuits, close it off here - a feedback loop and - yes, that will work - 

While he mutters to himself, the blender whirrs into activity and begins creaming together some butter and sugar. 

FURY appears to be repressing some strong emotion. MARIA is the one to speak. 

MARIA: Tony, can you tell us what you’re baking? 

TONY: Lemon drizzle cake. 

He points at the lemons, then whirls and gives his attention to a pot simmering on the stove. 

TONY: I’m making my own lemon curd - Jarvis’s recipe, you know - and I’ll use a lemon clock to wire a series of lights on the top for decoration. 

MARIA: Well … that’s certainly very ingenious. 

The camera cuts to a shot of Tony working in his workshop. In a voiceover, DARCY says: Noted engineer, billionaire and philanthropist Tony Stark started baking late in life. Although some have criticized him and said that he couldn’t possibly be serious about baking, he has won Star Baker twice already and has impressed Nick and Maria with his feats of cake engineering, including a monumental structure last week during the biscuit challenge. 

The camera cuts to a picture of an impressive tower made out of biscuits and spun sugar - Tony is standing next to it with a manic grin. 

\-----

The camera cuts across several workstations, showing BRUCE with an irritated expression on his face as he microwaves several bars of chocolate, STEVE making jam with an earnest expression as he checks the temperature using a thermometer, and THOR building a tower of Poptarts before taking the topmost one and biting into it. 

The camera then zooms in on THOR. MARIA and FURY are approaching him.

FURY: Good morning, Thor.

THOR: Good morning, Nicholas!

MARIA: Why don’t you tell us a little bit about the cake you’re making for us today.

THOR explains that his cake is inspired by his love of Poptarts, and offers to let the judges try some of the flavours that he is sampling. DARCY takes a sneaky bite out of one and then mimes stealing the rest of the box. 

The camera cuts next to CLINT, who is wearing a short-sleeved shirt, flexing his muscles, and using a rolling pin to flatten some purple fondant. 

MARIA: Good morning, Clint.

CLINT: (focused on his work, looking up briefly before returning to his work) Good morning

MARIA: What are you making for us today?

CLINT: An Eton mess inspired cake, with summer berries and decorated with purple fondant. 

FURY: I can see that … it’s very … purple. 

MARIA: That’s a very interesting idea, working Eton Mess into a cake. I’ll be interested to see what you do with that. 

The camera next zooms in on NATASHA, who is wearing her bright hair up in a neat bun. 

FURY: Black treacle and ginger cake, that sounds delicious. Will you be putting any other spices in it?

NATASHA looks up from her work and gives him a long, considering look. He does not appear to be visibly intimidated, but he doesn’t press the issue any further. 

MARIA: Could you tell us why this is your favourite cake, then, dear?

NATASHA: (deadpan) It has such a strong flavour, the black treacle and ginger, it hides the taste of nearly every poison. 

CLINT rushes past with a pot of custard, and gives NATASHA a high-five on the way to the freezer. 

MARIA and FURY pause and then move across the tent to Steve’s bench. 

FURY: Steve, what are you making for us today?

STEVE looks up at him, brushing his fringe off his forehead and leaving a faint dusting of flour on his face. He looks shy, almost embarrassed. 

STEVE: A Victoria sponge cake … it’s my mother’s recipe. 

The camera cuts to show a picture of STEVE in his kitchen at home. The kitchen is full of old-fashioned appliances and a cake is shown cooling on the table. STEVE turns to face the camera and smiles. In a voice-over, PEPPER explains that Steve was taught to cook by his mother, and is an active member of a movement to restore traditional baking techniques and recipes to Britain. 

The camera cuts back to Steve in the tent, where he is showing FURY and MARIA the jam he is making for the Victoria sponge.

MARIA: That’s lovely, Steve. 

Next, the camera cuts to BRUCE, who has finished putting his cake in the oven. He is making a ganache, but he puts the spoon down as FURY and MARIA approach. 

He looks clearly nervous and a little rattled by their presence. BRUCE: I know that you’re meant to melt chocolate over a double boiler, but I’ve found that microwaving it gives just as good of a result …

FURY looks openly skeptical and crosses his arms over his chest.

MARIA: Well, why don’t you tell us about the cake that you’re baking for us today, Bruce?

BRUCE explains that it is a traditional coffee and walnut cake, iced with a chocolate and mocha ganache and decorated with candied walnuts. He begins to explain the physiology of caffeine and theobromine on the nervous system, but the camera cuts to show him at work in a lab, his hands steady as he pipets a coloured liquid and transfers it to a smaller tube. In a voice over, PEPPER explains that Bruce is a biochemist working at UCL, who likes to experiment with baking in his spare time. 

Finally, the camera cuts to LOKI, whose hair is still wet from the rain. He is drumming his fingers impatiently on the countertop and watching a pot on the range. The pot is full of water that is steaming gently, but not boiling.

LOKI: (without looking up as MARIA and FURY approach) No, I won’t tell you what I’m making. It’s a secret.

FURY raises an eyebrow and MARIA looks gently disapproving. Across the aisle, THOR drops a Poptart and then rushes over to LOKI’S workstation. In a muted voice, he urges LOKI to tell the judges what he is making. 

\-----

The camera cuts to the outdoors, where the rainfall is beginning to slacken. It shows several close up shots of flowers wet with raindrops, a bird perched in the tree, and the surrounding countryside before panning back to the tent.

PEPPER is holding a clipboard and a timer and warning the bakers that their time is almost up. The camera pans through several shots of bakers frantically finishing their creations - 

BRUCE takes a pan of caramelized walnuts from the oven and drops them in a rage when they look to be burnt. He runs his fingers through his long hair and mutters that he’ll have to start over again before frantically grabbing another pan and a bag of walnuts.

TONY is applying a thin filigree of edible gold to the top of his lemon drizzle cake and connecting a number of tiny LEDs to complicated-looking circuits.

THOR is taking a cake from the oven, then covering it with squares of white fondant decorated with sprinkles, and placing a number of miniature homemade Poptarts in a ring around side of the cake. 

NATASHA is using a very fine piece of wire to slice her cake into two layers, and then slathers the bottom layer with buttercream icing, all with a look of fierce concentration.

STEVE is filling his Victoria sponge with concentric circles of raspberry and blueberry jam - he places the second layer on top, and decorates it with icing sugar and edible flowers. The overall effect is stunning, and STEVE looks quietly pleased but bashful when DARCY compliments him on it. 

LOKI is decorating a cake with a crazed-looking web of spun sugar.

CLINT is deftly transferring the fondant onto his cake and smoothing it down the sides. Before it is covered, it is clear that the inside of his cake is oozing with jam, custard, and bits of meringue. CLINT hums rather tunelessly to himself as he works.

The camera cuts to DARCY, who is texting and who says, without looking up: Time! 

PEPPER: Bakers, step away from your cakes. Yes, Tony, that means you. 

TONY grins at her and steps back from a cake that is sparking at first as the wires he jammed into the lemon connect - then the current seems to stabilize and the LEDs begin blinking in alternating patterns.

FURY and MARIA start to go around the tent to sample the bakes, followed by DARCY and PEPPER. 

Stopping first at CLINT’S workstation, FURY says: That shade of purple doesn’t do very much for me.

MARIA: No, nor me. But the fondant work is very neatly done.

FURY cuts into the cake, removes a slice, and transfers it to a small plate. He jabs at it with his fork.

FURY: Nice texture, there.

MARIA: And such a clever thought, putting the meringue and custard in the cake. It does taste like an Eton mess, doesn’t it? Just a breath of summertime.

CLINT looks pleased and gives a thumbs-up after they walk away. 

Next, FURY and MARIA stop at LOKI’S workstation. 

MARIA: How … interesting.

The camera zooms in on LOKI’S cake, which is a lopsided, multi-tiered cake covered with some sloppy spun sugar work. 

FURY: Remind us again what kind of cake this is supposed to be? (As he speaks, he begins cutting into it. He frowns at the way the knife goes through the cake.)

FURY: Look at that … it’s underbaked. 

FURY and MARIA both try some of the cake, but quickly move on. They compliment STEVE on his Victoria sponge, hesitate before trying NATASHA’S black treacle and ginger cake - but quickly agree that it tastes delicious - and agree that BRUCE’S coffee and walnut cake is the best they’ve ever tasted.

The camera cuts to a shot of BRUCE standing outside the tent, blushing and explaining that it had simply been a matter of experimenting with the coffee and chocolate ratio to find the perfect balance.

The camera then cuts back into the tent where FURY and MARIA are standing in front of TONY’S creation.

MARIA: Well, it certainly looks very impressive.

TONY looks almost pained when they cut into the cake. The knife goes through one of the wires and half of the LEDs go dark. NICK and MARIA taste the cake and confer briefly between themselves on the texture, the flavour of the lemon curd, and the decorations.

FURY: Very impressive, as Maria said, but you really need to focus on the cake itself, Tony. This is overbaked.

MARIA: If you could have just spent more time on the baking and a little less time on the decorations, this would have been perfect. A lemon drizzle cake doesn’t need to have flashing lights on top of it, you know.

They walk away and the camera cuts to show them standing in front of THOR’S cake - FURY is breaking off one of the miniature Poptarts from the side, and biting into it.

MARIA: You made homemade Poptarts, that’s actually very impressive

FURY: You made homemade Poptarts, and a cake, and fondant icing in just three hours, that’s impressive indeed.

They taste the cake. DARCY closes her eyes in rapture and takes another bite.

FURY: Well, that does taste like a strawberry Poptart, I think.

MARIA: It does … it’s not quite to my taste, I’m afraid. The artificial strawberry flavour…

FURY: But, it’s very masterfully done. Not many people could recreate a Poptart flavour like this.

The camera cuts away to show the bakers sitting on the wet grass outside the tent, chattering amongst themselves about how their bakes went. LOKI sits apart from the rest and stares at the tent with a scowl on his face. TONY is proclaiming that FURY’S and MARIA’S judgement was “totally unfair - of course all cakes should be decorated with LEDs!” while BRUCE, sitting next to him, is still basking in the wake of FURY’S and MARIA’S praise. 

The camera cuts away to show PEPPER and DARCY at another scene, talking about the history of British cakes.


End file.
